Before we started IUI I thought I would be an emotional mess if we had to go into a second cycle because we would know that if it didn't work we would have to progress to IVF and IVF has always seemed so scary - and expensive.
We had to have a couple of months off between cycles, firstly because I thought it would be good to let my body recover from the hormones, and secondly because we both had to travel for work.
When the next month came up that neither of us had any travel booked for I was actually excited and so keen to get back into a cycle. I felt so positive, so sure that this time it would work, and when I spoke to J about it he felt the same way.
During the first cycle, I actually became quite nervous that I ovulated on the Monday afternoon before we went in for insemination at midday on the Tuesday. It's funny, nearly everyone who I've mentioned that to has then asked me 'how did you know?' and it's true, before we started this fertility journey I never, ever paid attention to how my body was feeling around ovulation time. Even when we were trying to conceive naturally, it was a vague awareness that the app I had on my phone said I should be ovulating so my body might feel differently. But now I feel the twinges, notice the changes in discharge (sorry too much info but it's true!), sometimes I even notice the change in my mood or libido. I don't know if I did ovulate too early in the first cycle (eggs only survive 12-24 hours after ovulation, so that sperm sure better be on time!); I think I used it as a reason why the first cycle didn't work, so of course if we got the timing right for the second cycle it would have to work!
We went through everything again. I started the daily injections at the higher dose this time and the daily blood tests told us that it was working well. I had to have a couple of internal ultrasounds because the follicles took a bit longer to grow. We had more notice of insemination day so booked another annual leave day and it all went well. The blood test a few days later said 'yes you've ovulated' and I did my post insemination injection without spilling anything or breaking vials. I even managed to use the sharps disposal container properly this time!
Everything felt so good this time around. As the 2WW progressed I even felt as though I could possibly have some pregnancy symptoms - I noticed that my boobs felt a bit sore, I kept getting waves of nausea and I was so tired. But were these symptoms of pregnancy, symptoms of an upcoming period (why would anyone make them the same symptoms - so cruel!), was I getting sick or was I just psychologically creating these symptoms out of hope?
I managed to wait it out a little bit longer before taking a home pregnancy test. I rationalised it to J that if I took one and there was no line then we'd no, and if I took one and there was a line we would take it with a grain of salt and test the next day to see if it got darker. I peed on that stick, left it in the ensuite to process and then snuck back in and picked it up. I held it on every single angle, in different light to see if there was even a squinter of a line. Nothing. I tried to be brave when I went out to tell J but I couldn't and the tears started rolling down my face again. I didn't even care that this was our last IUI or that we'd have to move to IVF, all I cared about was that we weren't pregnant.
Hope is a funny thing, even in the darkness you can find a tiny light glimmering and so I kept hoping that the hcg levels were just too low in my body for it to register on the home test and if my period was late we'd get a positive blood test at the clinic. But sure enough my period arrived, and it hit us hard.
The day my period arrived I was meant to have lunch with a friend, but I texted her to let her know I couldn't make it. She emailed me at work and told me that she had been looking forward to catching up for lunch so she could tell me she was pregnant. It's such a strange feeling when your heart sings for someone else but at the same time shatters for yourself.
We had to have a couple of months off between cycles, firstly because I thought it would be good to let my body recover from the hormones, and secondly because we both had to travel for work.
When the next month came up that neither of us had any travel booked for I was actually excited and so keen to get back into a cycle. I felt so positive, so sure that this time it would work, and when I spoke to J about it he felt the same way.
During the first cycle, I actually became quite nervous that I ovulated on the Monday afternoon before we went in for insemination at midday on the Tuesday. It's funny, nearly everyone who I've mentioned that to has then asked me 'how did you know?' and it's true, before we started this fertility journey I never, ever paid attention to how my body was feeling around ovulation time. Even when we were trying to conceive naturally, it was a vague awareness that the app I had on my phone said I should be ovulating so my body might feel differently. But now I feel the twinges, notice the changes in discharge (sorry too much info but it's true!), sometimes I even notice the change in my mood or libido. I don't know if I did ovulate too early in the first cycle (eggs only survive 12-24 hours after ovulation, so that sperm sure better be on time!); I think I used it as a reason why the first cycle didn't work, so of course if we got the timing right for the second cycle it would have to work!
We went through everything again. I started the daily injections at the higher dose this time and the daily blood tests told us that it was working well. I had to have a couple of internal ultrasounds because the follicles took a bit longer to grow. We had more notice of insemination day so booked another annual leave day and it all went well. The blood test a few days later said 'yes you've ovulated' and I did my post insemination injection without spilling anything or breaking vials. I even managed to use the sharps disposal container properly this time!
Everything felt so good this time around. As the 2WW progressed I even felt as though I could possibly have some pregnancy symptoms - I noticed that my boobs felt a bit sore, I kept getting waves of nausea and I was so tired. But were these symptoms of pregnancy, symptoms of an upcoming period (why would anyone make them the same symptoms - so cruel!), was I getting sick or was I just psychologically creating these symptoms out of hope?
I managed to wait it out a little bit longer before taking a home pregnancy test. I rationalised it to J that if I took one and there was no line then we'd no, and if I took one and there was a line we would take it with a grain of salt and test the next day to see if it got darker. I peed on that stick, left it in the ensuite to process and then snuck back in and picked it up. I held it on every single angle, in different light to see if there was even a squinter of a line. Nothing. I tried to be brave when I went out to tell J but I couldn't and the tears started rolling down my face again. I didn't even care that this was our last IUI or that we'd have to move to IVF, all I cared about was that we weren't pregnant.
Hope is a funny thing, even in the darkness you can find a tiny light glimmering and so I kept hoping that the hcg levels were just too low in my body for it to register on the home test and if my period was late we'd get a positive blood test at the clinic. But sure enough my period arrived, and it hit us hard.
The day my period arrived I was meant to have lunch with a friend, but I texted her to let her know I couldn't make it. She emailed me at work and told me that she had been looking forward to catching up for lunch so she could tell me she was pregnant. It's such a strange feeling when your heart sings for someone else but at the same time shatters for yourself.