Today is Mother's Day. I am an infertile stepmother. Putting it bluntly - today sucks.
Mother's Day has been difficult in the past as a stepmother. My stepson has a mother who he loves and whose place I will never, ever take. I have never wanted to take her place because a child's biological parents are so very special. I would never want anyone to take J's place as E's father and that has always been my basis for understanding my role in E's life.
But it doesn't take away the love I feel for E and my desire to look after him. As a stepmother, when your stepson is with you, you do all the 'motherly' things. You cook and clean and put away clothes. You pull out the first aid box to tend to injuries, you dry tears and console, you teach and try to inspire. You giggle together over baking cakes and art & craft. You get up early and stand in the freezing cold to cheer on sports teams and you sacrifice things you want to buy or do for the sake of a child. You worry, you choose words wisely when you're confided in and nothing is better than when that child snuggles up to you on the couch or calls a family hug, looks into your eyes and says 'I love you'.
But Mother's Day passes quietly, just like any other day... E spends Mother's Day with his mum - as he should. You almost feel guilty and childish for wishing for some kind of recognition. I'm not a biological mother so why should this day be so important to me? I think it comes down to wanting to know that the hard work and the sacrifices mean something - that someone feels loved and cared for because of what you do for them, and that they appreciate it. There have been times when I have put E ahead of my own feelings, when his own mother hasn't been able to. As a stepmother, you have to draw on patience, strength and a tough shell that you never realised you had. Choosing to love another person's child is a BIG deal and one I never appreciated beforehand.
Mother's Day has been difficult in the past as a stepmother. My stepson has a mother who he loves and whose place I will never, ever take. I have never wanted to take her place because a child's biological parents are so very special. I would never want anyone to take J's place as E's father and that has always been my basis for understanding my role in E's life.
But it doesn't take away the love I feel for E and my desire to look after him. As a stepmother, when your stepson is with you, you do all the 'motherly' things. You cook and clean and put away clothes. You pull out the first aid box to tend to injuries, you dry tears and console, you teach and try to inspire. You giggle together over baking cakes and art & craft. You get up early and stand in the freezing cold to cheer on sports teams and you sacrifice things you want to buy or do for the sake of a child. You worry, you choose words wisely when you're confided in and nothing is better than when that child snuggles up to you on the couch or calls a family hug, looks into your eyes and says 'I love you'.
But Mother's Day passes quietly, just like any other day... E spends Mother's Day with his mum - as he should. You almost feel guilty and childish for wishing for some kind of recognition. I'm not a biological mother so why should this day be so important to me? I think it comes down to wanting to know that the hard work and the sacrifices mean something - that someone feels loved and cared for because of what you do for them, and that they appreciate it. There have been times when I have put E ahead of my own feelings, when his own mother hasn't been able to. As a stepmother, you have to draw on patience, strength and a tough shell that you never realised you had. Choosing to love another person's child is a BIG deal and one I never appreciated beforehand.
This morning I stood in the shower and cried. If things had turned out the way we had imagined leading up to our wedding, today I would have celebrated my second mother's day. If one of our IUI cycles had worked I would have been able to lie in bed with a baby and celebrate Mother's Day today. If the pregnancy that fleetingly filled our hearts with joy in December had stuck I would have been preparing for a birth in three month's time and if the March cycle's pregnancy had stuck I would have been counting the days to the 12 week mark so my pending motherhood could be made public.
I don't want to be the bitter, sad person that everyone wants to tiptoe around. On days like today, I want to celebrate the amazing woman who is my own mother. I tried to smile and laugh, I tried to focus on fun things. But all day I have felt like I am drowning. There has been a heavy sorrow that I have felt physically. My eyes have burnt with tears I have fought not to cry. My mind has constantly wondered how many years will I feel like this for? will next year be the same? will it be worse? will we suffer later term miscarriages? will I be able to survive those? will I ever heal? will I ever have a child wrap their arms around me and say 'happy mother's day mum'?
It's dark outside and the sadness hasn't gone away. I hate wishing away a weekend, but from before I even fell asleep last night til now I have wished for today to be over and for tomorrow to be a better day.
For the stepmums, fostermums and kinship carers; for the women with current or crushed dreams of motherhood; for mums with angels in heaven, for those who have lost their mums and for anyone hurting today... I'm wishing you strength and comfort. I'm wishing you a day with less pain and grief than days gone by. I'm wishing you hope and love. You are legit in my eyes.
PS I shared this article on the IVF Facebook pages a week or two ago. It absolutely touched my heart and is especially relevant today. http://www.agreatparade.com/2015/04/to-childless-mother-suffering-from.html?m=1
I don't want to be the bitter, sad person that everyone wants to tiptoe around. On days like today, I want to celebrate the amazing woman who is my own mother. I tried to smile and laugh, I tried to focus on fun things. But all day I have felt like I am drowning. There has been a heavy sorrow that I have felt physically. My eyes have burnt with tears I have fought not to cry. My mind has constantly wondered how many years will I feel like this for? will next year be the same? will it be worse? will we suffer later term miscarriages? will I be able to survive those? will I ever heal? will I ever have a child wrap their arms around me and say 'happy mother's day mum'?
It's dark outside and the sadness hasn't gone away. I hate wishing away a weekend, but from before I even fell asleep last night til now I have wished for today to be over and for tomorrow to be a better day.
For the stepmums, fostermums and kinship carers; for the women with current or crushed dreams of motherhood; for mums with angels in heaven, for those who have lost their mums and for anyone hurting today... I'm wishing you strength and comfort. I'm wishing you a day with less pain and grief than days gone by. I'm wishing you hope and love. You are legit in my eyes.
PS I shared this article on the IVF Facebook pages a week or two ago. It absolutely touched my heart and is especially relevant today. http://www.agreatparade.com/2015/04/to-childless-mother-suffering-from.html?m=1