It's funny how sometimes something clicks in my mind that I've probably known for a long time but not thought about consciously. As we started our next IVF cycle I realized that one of the hardest things I find about IVF is control - or really, my lack of control.
Five weeks ago I gave notice at my job. It was a tough decision, not only because I loved the work I did, but because I had spent the last two years trying to have a baby knowing that I had access to pretty good paid maternity leave, a great income to help us pay for the expensive fertility treatment, an office within walking distance from our fertility clinic and on the same street as my husband's office and pretty flexible work arrangements to hopefully one day come back to after having a baby. For a long time, these factors made me feel as though I had no control over my job - for a long time after I had decided I was ready to leave, I felt like I had to stay because of our fertility journey.
In the end I had to make a decision - with J's unwavering support - that the stress of the work environment wasn't going to help with having a baby. I could stick it out in an environment where I really wasn't happy for the hope of maternity leave that I might never be able to use, and possibly not be able to fall pregnant because of the stress - or I could bite the bullet and leave.
We had deliberately chosen to have some extra time off before starting our next IVF cycle because of the work stress and we also decided that I would at least have a week or two off between jobs to recover. On the Thursday of my last week I was offered a new job - one that I was really excited about. I did the maths and with my period due a few days later, if I started the job in 3-4 weeks I should at least be able to get through egg pick up, if not even to the transfer before starting the new job. If we waited, we would probably need to wait a few months before I would have enough time up my sleeve to take any sick leave I needed for egg pick up and transfer, and to possibly be in late during mornings for any IVF appointments that ran late. I also didn't want to be starting an IVF cycle in my first week of a new job.
When I woke up the Saturday morning after my last day in the old job and saw that I had started to bleed I couldn't believe my luck. My period was arriving a couple of days early rather than late which would mean I'd have an extra couple of days to try and fit the cycle in. I woke J up and we quickly got ready to race in for the Day 1 blood test - something we hadn't planned on doing for a few more days, but something that was out of my control. However, in the afternoon one of the nurses called to let me know that my levels were off, it wasn't actually my period but some spotting and it didn't look like my period was due for another week. All of my plans were thrown into disarray and we had to question whether if my period wasn't going to start for another week could we fit an IVF cycle in? If we could make it to egg pick up, would we want to freeze any embryos and do a frozen transfer a few months later once I'd settled into the new job, or should we really aim to do a fresh transfer? Should I tell my employer that I could start in 4 weeks' time to give us more time, but mean I wasn't earning any money for that extra time, did I try to fit the IVF in in 3 weeks or did I just start the new job as soon as possible and hold off on any IVF?
I have no control over when my periods start or how long they go for and they always seem to change. I have no control over how well my body will respond to the hormones - especially a reduced dose after hyperstimulation last time. This means I have no control over how long my cycle is or when I can book in for my egg pick up. I have no control over my morning blood tests and ultrasounds - even if I turn up right on 7.30am when they open, I might sit there for 90 minutes because the rooms are packed so chances are I would be late for work if I had started my new job plus you never know when the next appointment will be. I have no control over how many eggs will be collected, or how many will fertilise, or how many will make it to a 5 day embryo grade 1 or 2 because anything lower can't be frozen. I have no control over what time an embryo transfer will be - an appointment that could be done in a lunch break but that I can't pick a time for. I can't even do my usual 'back up' plans. Do I plan for an unsuccessful cycle where we don't have embryos to freeze and have to do a whole new cycle? Do I plan for an unsuccessful cycle where at least we've had embryos that have frozen so we can transfer without a fully stimulated cycle? How do I prepare for possible miscarriages or worse - still births? How do I plan for that decision point when we give up on having our own children when I don't know how many more cycles my body and heart can handle after this one but I don't know if my heart can ever give up.
I love planning and organizing. Last year I'd done our Christmas shopping for all the nieces and nephews by July. I started thinking about J's 40th birthday (April) in October. My mobile phone is always full of lists of things I want to get done. But fertility treatment is teaching me that I have to let go. I can't control my cycle, I can't control whether or not we'll have a baby and I don't know when we'll make a call on whether we keep trying or move to fostering or live the rest of our lives as that couple without kids (other than E of course!). I'm having to learn to go with the flow, to be able to drop everything and head into the clinic at short notice - last cycle we didn't even know if we'd be able to transfer the embryo until we turned up for the appointment! It's hard and it challenges a big part of who I naturally am. But I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. Quitting my job and being on this IVF journey is teaching me to live more in the moment, focus on today and let the other stuff go.
Sometimes I can't control my emotions on this journey... but when I can, I choose to look for the positive and in this case, it's realising that sometimes a little lack of control can be a good thing.
Five weeks ago I gave notice at my job. It was a tough decision, not only because I loved the work I did, but because I had spent the last two years trying to have a baby knowing that I had access to pretty good paid maternity leave, a great income to help us pay for the expensive fertility treatment, an office within walking distance from our fertility clinic and on the same street as my husband's office and pretty flexible work arrangements to hopefully one day come back to after having a baby. For a long time, these factors made me feel as though I had no control over my job - for a long time after I had decided I was ready to leave, I felt like I had to stay because of our fertility journey.
In the end I had to make a decision - with J's unwavering support - that the stress of the work environment wasn't going to help with having a baby. I could stick it out in an environment where I really wasn't happy for the hope of maternity leave that I might never be able to use, and possibly not be able to fall pregnant because of the stress - or I could bite the bullet and leave.
We had deliberately chosen to have some extra time off before starting our next IVF cycle because of the work stress and we also decided that I would at least have a week or two off between jobs to recover. On the Thursday of my last week I was offered a new job - one that I was really excited about. I did the maths and with my period due a few days later, if I started the job in 3-4 weeks I should at least be able to get through egg pick up, if not even to the transfer before starting the new job. If we waited, we would probably need to wait a few months before I would have enough time up my sleeve to take any sick leave I needed for egg pick up and transfer, and to possibly be in late during mornings for any IVF appointments that ran late. I also didn't want to be starting an IVF cycle in my first week of a new job.
When I woke up the Saturday morning after my last day in the old job and saw that I had started to bleed I couldn't believe my luck. My period was arriving a couple of days early rather than late which would mean I'd have an extra couple of days to try and fit the cycle in. I woke J up and we quickly got ready to race in for the Day 1 blood test - something we hadn't planned on doing for a few more days, but something that was out of my control. However, in the afternoon one of the nurses called to let me know that my levels were off, it wasn't actually my period but some spotting and it didn't look like my period was due for another week. All of my plans were thrown into disarray and we had to question whether if my period wasn't going to start for another week could we fit an IVF cycle in? If we could make it to egg pick up, would we want to freeze any embryos and do a frozen transfer a few months later once I'd settled into the new job, or should we really aim to do a fresh transfer? Should I tell my employer that I could start in 4 weeks' time to give us more time, but mean I wasn't earning any money for that extra time, did I try to fit the IVF in in 3 weeks or did I just start the new job as soon as possible and hold off on any IVF?
I have no control over when my periods start or how long they go for and they always seem to change. I have no control over how well my body will respond to the hormones - especially a reduced dose after hyperstimulation last time. This means I have no control over how long my cycle is or when I can book in for my egg pick up. I have no control over my morning blood tests and ultrasounds - even if I turn up right on 7.30am when they open, I might sit there for 90 minutes because the rooms are packed so chances are I would be late for work if I had started my new job plus you never know when the next appointment will be. I have no control over how many eggs will be collected, or how many will fertilise, or how many will make it to a 5 day embryo grade 1 or 2 because anything lower can't be frozen. I have no control over what time an embryo transfer will be - an appointment that could be done in a lunch break but that I can't pick a time for. I can't even do my usual 'back up' plans. Do I plan for an unsuccessful cycle where we don't have embryos to freeze and have to do a whole new cycle? Do I plan for an unsuccessful cycle where at least we've had embryos that have frozen so we can transfer without a fully stimulated cycle? How do I prepare for possible miscarriages or worse - still births? How do I plan for that decision point when we give up on having our own children when I don't know how many more cycles my body and heart can handle after this one but I don't know if my heart can ever give up.
I love planning and organizing. Last year I'd done our Christmas shopping for all the nieces and nephews by July. I started thinking about J's 40th birthday (April) in October. My mobile phone is always full of lists of things I want to get done. But fertility treatment is teaching me that I have to let go. I can't control my cycle, I can't control whether or not we'll have a baby and I don't know when we'll make a call on whether we keep trying or move to fostering or live the rest of our lives as that couple without kids (other than E of course!). I'm having to learn to go with the flow, to be able to drop everything and head into the clinic at short notice - last cycle we didn't even know if we'd be able to transfer the embryo until we turned up for the appointment! It's hard and it challenges a big part of who I naturally am. But I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. Quitting my job and being on this IVF journey is teaching me to live more in the moment, focus on today and let the other stuff go.
Sometimes I can't control my emotions on this journey... but when I can, I choose to look for the positive and in this case, it's realising that sometimes a little lack of control can be a good thing.