This journey is one of so many ups and downs. After Christmas J and I headed up to the Blue Mountains for New Years and my birthday.
'Celebrating' Christmas had been hard - we didn't have my stepson E and it was too easy to remember how two years ago we'd celebrated what we thought would be our first and more importantly, last Christmas on our own, a few months before we got married and I had already gone off the pill. Two years later and we were doing it again, and mourning the loss from the very early miscarriage the week before.
The Blue Mountains was a chance for us to get away and just be together. When we'd booked the trip we hadn't know if we'd be quietly celebrating or recovering from a failed cycle. I don't think either of us had really thought about the possibility of having had a positive pregnancy test, only to have it taken away so quickly.
I've always wanted to go to the Blue Mountains and it met every expectation and more. We instantly felt at home in Wentworth Falls, peaceful and away from hoards of tourists. We hiked, we lay by the lake and read, we swam and we talked and cuddled and just were together.
On one particular hike I stood in a corner in the cliff surrounded by green, green bush and a little flow of trickling water. I can't remember what caused it but I remember thinking about how incredible nature is, how it just has this way of working out and we humans should pay more attention to it. All of a sudden I realized that if we left it up to nature J and I wouldn't be on this journey. I actually felt consumed by a sense of peace that if we didn't have a baby it would be ok because we'd foster and we'd be part of nature's cycle. If a child was born to someone who for whatever reason couldn't care for him or her, how lucky would we be, to be able to take that child and give him or her a home full of so much love. It was the first time during this whole journey, and especially since the early miscarriage, that I felt such a complete sense of peace. We hiked on, my soul felt uplifted and my body felt healthy and happy after this week of nature, hiking and rest.
We got back to the little unit we were staying in, hot, sweaty and tired but refreshed. I started to tell J about my newfound sense of peace - and burst into tears. Not just tears welling up in my eyes, but huge sobs, the kind where when J puts his arms around me my knees buckle and I literally need him to hold me up. I sat on the floor, tears rolling down my face completely bewildered about where they were coming from.
I still don't know where those tears came from. Maybe finding that sense of peace in the mountains gave my body and heart permission to let go of all the grief that has been building up over the last two years. Maybe in an instant I was grieving what may or may not come in the future. Maybe it was a hiker's crash after a hiker's high?! (In which case maybe I'm not so keen to do more hiking!).
Whatever it was, by the time my tears dried I felt exhausted but also cleansed. I've had ups and downs since then and I know I'll have many more - bigger highs and lower lows. But I think during that trip we found a bit of ourselves again and we made a promise to each other to keep focusing on ourselves this coming year. We're going to hike more and camp more - we love being out in nature. We're going to run in between cycles - doing our first 5km run in a couple of weeks' time. We're going to go to bed early, read more books and watch more TV and be more present with each other. We're not going to do it perfectly - we've just arrived home after a 5 hour drive, we're sitting on the couch with trashy TV shows on, J is on his phone and I'm on the computer. But we also did about 15 hours of driving this weekend and we didn't have the radio on, we talked and laughed and cuddled and held hands (not in the car!).
So my advice, whether you're on a similar journey or one completely different- because life is a journey for everyone. Find a way to rediscover love. Love yourself, your spouse, your family, your friends. Love life and health and nature. Figure out what re-energises and cleanses your soul. And find time to do it.
'Celebrating' Christmas had been hard - we didn't have my stepson E and it was too easy to remember how two years ago we'd celebrated what we thought would be our first and more importantly, last Christmas on our own, a few months before we got married and I had already gone off the pill. Two years later and we were doing it again, and mourning the loss from the very early miscarriage the week before.
The Blue Mountains was a chance for us to get away and just be together. When we'd booked the trip we hadn't know if we'd be quietly celebrating or recovering from a failed cycle. I don't think either of us had really thought about the possibility of having had a positive pregnancy test, only to have it taken away so quickly.
I've always wanted to go to the Blue Mountains and it met every expectation and more. We instantly felt at home in Wentworth Falls, peaceful and away from hoards of tourists. We hiked, we lay by the lake and read, we swam and we talked and cuddled and just were together.
On one particular hike I stood in a corner in the cliff surrounded by green, green bush and a little flow of trickling water. I can't remember what caused it but I remember thinking about how incredible nature is, how it just has this way of working out and we humans should pay more attention to it. All of a sudden I realized that if we left it up to nature J and I wouldn't be on this journey. I actually felt consumed by a sense of peace that if we didn't have a baby it would be ok because we'd foster and we'd be part of nature's cycle. If a child was born to someone who for whatever reason couldn't care for him or her, how lucky would we be, to be able to take that child and give him or her a home full of so much love. It was the first time during this whole journey, and especially since the early miscarriage, that I felt such a complete sense of peace. We hiked on, my soul felt uplifted and my body felt healthy and happy after this week of nature, hiking and rest.
We got back to the little unit we were staying in, hot, sweaty and tired but refreshed. I started to tell J about my newfound sense of peace - and burst into tears. Not just tears welling up in my eyes, but huge sobs, the kind where when J puts his arms around me my knees buckle and I literally need him to hold me up. I sat on the floor, tears rolling down my face completely bewildered about where they were coming from.
I still don't know where those tears came from. Maybe finding that sense of peace in the mountains gave my body and heart permission to let go of all the grief that has been building up over the last two years. Maybe in an instant I was grieving what may or may not come in the future. Maybe it was a hiker's crash after a hiker's high?! (In which case maybe I'm not so keen to do more hiking!).
Whatever it was, by the time my tears dried I felt exhausted but also cleansed. I've had ups and downs since then and I know I'll have many more - bigger highs and lower lows. But I think during that trip we found a bit of ourselves again and we made a promise to each other to keep focusing on ourselves this coming year. We're going to hike more and camp more - we love being out in nature. We're going to run in between cycles - doing our first 5km run in a couple of weeks' time. We're going to go to bed early, read more books and watch more TV and be more present with each other. We're not going to do it perfectly - we've just arrived home after a 5 hour drive, we're sitting on the couch with trashy TV shows on, J is on his phone and I'm on the computer. But we also did about 15 hours of driving this weekend and we didn't have the radio on, we talked and laughed and cuddled and held hands (not in the car!).
So my advice, whether you're on a similar journey or one completely different- because life is a journey for everyone. Find a way to rediscover love. Love yourself, your spouse, your family, your friends. Love life and health and nature. Figure out what re-energises and cleanses your soul. And find time to do it.